Saturday, July 27, 2013

"In a World of Evil, Vengeance Is His."

I went to the local Video Store the other day to grab some more VHS to hoard on and watch (or try to watch). I ended buying 5 tapes from the store, which were: Aloha Summer (great movie), AIP Home Video's Cold Heat, Bloodspell (it looks cool?), Capulina's Lo Veo y No Lo Creo (It stars Angelica Chain, so I had to buy it), and The Divine Enforcer. The Divine Enforcer was the best purchase of all since the front cover made me go crazy. Ski-masked priest holding a gun? Chick tied up behind a knife where a cross is in the background? YES PLEASE.

From reading the description in the back of the cover, I knew I got myself an awful action movie that I could either dig, or dislike & fall asleep to. Fall asleep to seemed likely to happen. Surprisingly though, I didn't fall asleep! I was actually wide awake and laughing because the movie turned out to be hilariously bad and so fucking weird. It was like watching R.O.T.O.R. all over again; minus the cool duet song playing and kung-fu robot action.


Father Daniel (Michael Foley) has arrived in a rough neighborhood in Los Angeles. The neighborhood is filled with rapist gangs, drug dealers, and even a blood-drinking psycho. Instead of using words of The Bible to help the struggling neighborhood; Father Daniel instead uses his martial arts skills & religious encrypted weaponry as a way to stop the violence in the neighborhood. Father Daniel is basically kicking ass in the name of the lord (yes, that was a lame Dead Alive reference).


I'd be lying if I said The Divine Enforcer was pure cheesy goodness because it was more like awful goodness. Think Miami Connection, but with a lesser budget, no Korean accents, and very, very, very bad acting. Even legendary TV actor Erik Estrada was bad. Here is playing a Monsignor (an important-sound character), but its quite clear Erik is just reading his few lines through newspapers and he isn't even trying his best. He never seems to get up either. He is always just sitting in the dinning table. He seemed bored too. Not as bored as Blaxploitation legend Jim Brown though. Jim Brown plays a crime boss surrounded by hot chicks. Even though Jim is surrounded by hot chicks and getting paid a decent amount of money to appear in this low-budget schlock of action movie; Jim looked terribly bored. At least he's trying to act good though. Unlike Erik here. Michael Foley (who plays Father Daniel) even sorta tries to act, despite still sucking and even reading the script through the newspapers.

The action in The Divine Enforcer is actually pretty cool. Its the reason that keeps you watching the movie despite the horrid story. Punches & kicks are thrown, bones are broken, gunshots are fired at, and crucifix knives are used.

Beautiful.

Not as beautiful as the main baddie who drinks blood from hookers and boils their skulls clean so he can use them as cereal bowls.


What a fucking weird movie. God.



The Divine Enforcer was the best $1.00 purchase of the Summer. The Divine Enforcer will bring laughter into your home. The Divine Enforcer will confuse your big ol' heads. The Divine Enforcer made me realize I need a Skull cereal bowl. The Divine Enforcer has driven me mad. The Divine Enforcer is a movie you should sorta look into. The Divine Enforcer gets a 4/10.

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