Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Ax'd My Heart In Two.

A couple of months back, I was at the grocery store buying my usual groceries (bowl noodle soups, lipton sweet teas, big bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, red apples, deli ham, wheat bread, bananas). After picking out my 1 week supply of food, I got in line to pay and that's when I first laid eyes on the most prettiest cashier chick in the world. The prettiest cashier chick in the world's name tag read "Delilah".

Delilah is a natural beauty... She has a perfect little smile, 2 beautiful brown eyes that shine, a perfect little nose, and long brown hair that is poofy as fuck. Ahhhh... She was the one I been looking for all my life. Yes! Yes! Yes!

The very next day, I went back to the grocery store to approach Delilah. I wanted to get to know her and just maybe get her to go out with me sometime. I found her at the cookie section stacking cookies (duh) looking very tired and a little sad. I asked her if she was okay, she said "yes, I'm just tired is all". From then on, we just started talking about cheesy tv sitcoms from the 80's (!!!!) and life in general. We really got to know each other oh so well in that 10 minute conversation. After she got off work, I walked her home since she lived not too far from the store. Before she got inside her house, I asked her if she would be interested in going out to dinner with me on Saturday and maybe after dinner, we could watch random Too Close For Comfort episodes on DVD. As I waited to hear the dreadful word "Nah", she said "oh yes! sure!".

I felt like the happiest man in the world when she said yes. After all, it's not every day a girl says yes to me.

On Saturday, I got ready to take Delilah out to a nice dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I wore my best clothes and I put on some fancy cologne that I paid too much for. Just when I was about to step out and go to her house, I received the worst text message of my life. The message read: "Hey, I won't make it for dinner. Going to [some lame indie band name] show with a friend. Later!"   

My heart broke in two when I read that message... The prettiest cashier chick in the world dumped me to go see some lame indie band with a friend (a guy most likely).

Me being dumped, smelling too good, & bored outta my mind, I decided to watch a movie to cheer me up. I decided to watch Ax Em since the yellow VHS tape appealed to me at that moment. I hoped the movie would heal my broken heart. Unfortunately, it did not at all. It just made my broken heart worse. Fuck....


In Ax Em, a group of college kids go to a remote cabin in the woods for a fun weekend filled with laughter, food, romance, and ghost story telling! The ghost story that's told is about a child named Harry who's entire family was murdered 13 years ago. Now, a zombiefied & grown up Harry is in the woods killing anyone that's around. Vengeance will be his. I guess....

I swear, Ax Em is so damn awful. The movie starts off with a poorly written prologue telling us the story about what happened 13 years ago (aka '1990'). After the awful as fuck prologue, we see people hip hop dancing at a college and telling awful "yo mama" jokes. Well actually, one of them was funny! It goes: "yo mama is so dumb, she studied for a blood test!". That one made me laugh. Not hard though. After that, we meet our characters and from then on, they talk (you can barely hear them talk), they laugh, they eat, they get killed in wacky ways (telephone to the face!), and then uuuhhh.. Well, you get the picture.. The awful picture.

Indie music lovin' Delilah and shitty as fuck Ax Em ax'd my heart in two. Damn. I hate life now. I also hate the local indie music scene. Most of all, I hate Ax Em so damn much. Not as much Heavy Metal Massacre though. 2/10.


P.S.

Too Close For Comfort season 6 sucks. Don't bother watching it.


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