Friday, May 27, 2011

A Deadly Memorial Day Weekend.

 It's Memorial Day Weekend! Let's go to Memorial Valley and have fun! We'll drink beer! We'll have sex in tents! We'll ride ATV's even though it's forbidden! And We'll get killed by a caveman looking weirdo! YEAH!

Memorial Valley Massacre is about people going to Memorial Valley for a fun Memorial Day weekend. However, the fun doesn't exactly happen since a ridiculous Caveman Weirdo starts killing off these people in gruesome ways.. Like: Breaking a fat guy's neck, an axe to the chest, booby trapped to death, and burned to death.

I like this movie. The setting is nice, characters are cheesy cool, and the plot is okay even though it is really stupid. This is one of those "so bad it's good" movies, it's also in the public domain which makes it real easy to acquire. Check it out. 5/10.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Tijuana Jones and the Fountain of Youth.

Las Aventuras De Tijuana Jones (The Adventures of Tijuana Jones) is about a dude that finds a map leading to the Fountain Of Youth. Apparently it's somewhere not too far from Mexico City. Cool, huh? Anywho, so yeah.. That dude and his dorky friend "Shorty" (Shorty defines the typical 90's trendy Mexican male) decide to discover the fountain so they can become famous and wealthy. And so, these two dudes arrange a trip to the jungle (or forest?) with a couple of their chick friends (who both define the typical 90's trendy Mexican female). The dude that found the map gets his older brother "Tijuana Jones" (played by Gilberto De Anda, he also directed this movie) to come with him as well since he's a great explorer and a good fighter with his whip (yep, he has one just like Indy!). Unfortunately, someone else wants to find the Fountain Of Youth. This someone else is none other than Adolf Hitler! 

Will Tijuana Jones and gang find the Fountain Of Youth before Hitler does? Only way to find out is to watch this incredibly cheesy movie! Don't miss it!


Tijuana Jones is a cheesy film but oh so funny. The jokes might be cheesy and stupid but they're still gonna make you laugh. Trust me. They will! The movie has an interesting cast, Mario Almada stars in this movie as Tijuana Jones' long lost father. At first I thought Mario was playing Tijuana Jones since he's acting like "Indy" in the beginning of the movie, but I was terribly wrong. Sorta disappointed too. Gilberto De Anda did a swell job making this movie, It looked like he had fun time making it, but then again it looks like he's always had fun making movies. Especially the ones he starred in (Barman y Droguin, Mi Fantasma y Yo, La Suburban Dorada). Tijuana Jones is a cheese fest not to be missed. Check it out sometime. 6/10.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hell High, Hell No.

I always thought Hell High was an 80's school slasher. You know, like someone at school gets killed, then the people responsible for the death get killed AT THE SCHOOL. But noooo, Hell High isn't like that at all!

Hell High starts off with a little girl seeing her dolly's head torn off by a pervy greaser, this angers her a lot, so she decides to pull a prank on him and his prude girlfriend (she really was a prude). And so, she grabs a bucket of dirt and throws it at the greaser as he and his gal ride away on a motorcycle. When the dirt hits the greaser, he crashes the bike, and gets stabbed hard by some steel bars coming out of the ground! The girlfriend also gets stabbed by these steel bars. (Ouch!!!!)

The little girl looks at the dying couple and runs off. Then like maybe 20 some years later, that little girl is now a science teacher at a high school, she's a nervous one though and she's constantly harassed by a group of mean students. One night, these mean students decide to mess with their nervous teacher by beating her and raping her! After the beating and rape, the teacher kills herself by jumping out of a window. Naturally (or in this case, Supernaturally), she comes back to life and kills off the mean students one by one.

Yeah, see. That's it. It's no school slasher!! It's just some dumb revenge movie. Hell High is seriously disappointing, even if you know what it is about, I'm pretty damn sure you won't like it and be super disappointed by it. The problems with the movie is that it's not long enough, the setting is ugly, the characters are super annoying, and the bloody ending doesn't make sense at all.

I was disappointed and irritated when I finished watching this shit. I'll probably never watch it again. Or maybe I will just for the shower scene, the shower scene is probably the only good scene of the movie. It's just showing the teacher washing her fantastic body and then starts fingering herself. It's Beautiful. Seriously. 4/10.