Thursday, December 22, 2011

ELVES!

Elves tells the wonderful story of Kirsten, a misunderstood teenage girl who lives with her awful mother, horny little brother, and nazi grandfather. One night, Kirsten and friends (aka "The Sisters of Anti-Christmas") go to the forest to do some dumb ritual. That dumb ritual somehow brings an Elve (or is it "elf"?) back to life. This Elve follows Kirsten around at work and kills people brutally! Like a department store Santa, he tries to get Kirsten to suck him off! Instead, he's yelled at by his boss, prepares to hit up some coke, and then gets his dick cut off by the Elve! After that, Kirsten's horny friends get killed. Then there's a shoot out at the deparment store where Kirsten works at. Then (again) Kirsten finds out something terrible about her grandfather! Let's just say, incest & elves are involved. Oh, and of course Nazis. It's up to a chain smoking man called Santa (Dan Haggerty) to stop the Elves from killing people and doin' Kirsten!

Did I just say "stop the Elves?". Oops! I meant to say Elve (or is it Elf?) since only one appears throughout the whole damn movie. What's funny about this Elve is the fact that's it's a cheap looking rubber puppet with it's mouth opened wide. The mouth never closes and that saddens me very, very much. That poor, cheap Elve puppet....... Well, Elves may disappoint in the Elve department, but at least it has some interesting scenes. Like the gun battle at the store, Kirsten's awful (but hot) mom bathing and getting killed, the coked out Santa getting castrated, and the part where the Elve wears a Santa hat and stabs a hormonal girl to death. Ahhhh, those are great scenes alright.

Elves may not be a great Christmas horror movie, but it is very entertaining! It has plenty of action, boobs, and bloody violence. So my friends, go to your favorite video store and rent Elves. Pop some popcorn and enjoy the movie about the "fucking ninja troll". 5/10.

1 comment:

Ty said...

Great write-up. Elves was a blast with Dan Haggerty at his best. We have a review coming soon for AIP-April.

The elf puppet was hilarious.